Dealing with Difficult People #3- "Church Folks"

The Apostle Paul was not ignorant to the fact that we were going to have challenges in relationships

within the Body of Christ. He and Barnabas had disagreed when serving together. Paul was frustrated over John Mark, see Acts 15. They had to agree to disagree in their ministry, but God used it for His purposes. Barnabus, ever the encourager, stuck with John Mark who would grow in his faith and later pen the Gospel of Mark. While Paul would collaborate with others like Luke, Priscilla and Aquila, Silas, Titus and Timothy, to name a few.

Paul also clashed with Peter and confronted him about staying focused on the Gospel and not

people pleasing, see Galatians 2:11-14. We know that even though they had their disagreements God

was working in all their lives. He was using it to mature them and further advance His Gospel. Paul

would of course continue to love and fellowship with all of them. Neither Barnabas nor Peter tried to make

problems for Paul just because they disagreed. Church politics did not come into play here. Paul not only

commended Barnabas (1 Cor. 9:6), we see Paul's love and appreciation for Mark in Col. 4:10, Philemon 24,

1 Pet. 5:13, and 2 Timothy 4:11.

Paul had to also help other believers to get along just as he had learned from personal experiences. He challenged

them (and even us today) from Ephesians 4:3-6 to "make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through

the bond of peace." He reminded that believers are one body of Christ, and we all have the same Holy Spirit

as we share the same hope, baptism and Father of all. He ministered to two women noted in Philippians 4 and

he asked them to be "of the same mind in the Lord." He was trying to refocus them and sometimes we too

need that same realignment.

I will never forget what my spiritual mentor Doris said to me when I told her someone had hurt my

feelings at church. I was expecting sympathy and agreement that this individual was a horrible person. She

told me what I needed to hear and not what I just wanted to hear. She asked, "Are you having an inner

temper tantrum?" Ouch! She did not disagree that the behavior of the other person was wrong but she

helped me focus on MY behavior and attitude.

Now, there are specific things from God's Word to help us if we are willing to apply them to our own lives.

First, we are talking about true brothers and sisters in Christ. Paul also reminded in 2 Thessalonians 3:2 that

not everyone has faith. Just because someone attends a church or Bible study does not mean they really

have a personal relationship to Jesus. We will deal with that in another article. For now, we are specifically

speaking to those fellow believers whose personalities, and differences of opinion are challenging to us.

First determine whether the subject at hand is a biblical matter, personal preference, or personality issue. Ask yourself if the person is a challenge because of something that directly goes against God's Word or do they grate on your nerves just because you are so different. For example, Paul addressed the unbiblical behavior of some in

the Thessalonian church by advising the believers there on how to handle those who were "idle and

disruptive." In 2 Thess. 3, he called it like it was and said they were busybodies and he boldly commanded

them in Jesus to settle down and work instead of causing trouble within the church. He confronted the

unbiblical issue. Proverbs is so full of wisdom in relationships. We are told to avoid linking arms with those

in deliberate and continuous patterns of sin like lying, cheating, gossiping and even anger issues. Proverbs 19:17

reminded of the danger of associating closely with a "hot tempered person" because if you rescue them it

will be a waste of time, only to do over again.

So, the Bible cautions us on being careful of close relationship to those displaying obvious and continued sinful behaviors. Again, we must be aware of our own hearts though, as this can also cause us to become a "holier than thou judge" lest we forget that we sin too! We need to love all within the church regardless of their spiritual maturity or personality BUT be wise in whom you surround yourself with as well.

The Bible does give us specific instructions for how to handle sinful behavior that continues within the

church. It is important to keep in mind the goal is always reconciliation. Reconciliation with God first and

then in relationships. The key to peace is Christ-centered relationships.

Matthew 18:15-20 outlines a clear step by step process we should take within the Body of Christ concerning

biblical offenses. The first thing is to make sure WE are in alignment with the Word and are humbly looking

at any of our own offenses toward God or others! Then we are told to go directly to that person to look at

God's Word on the subject, not just our own opinions. Together we are to humbly and lovingly explain a

biblical disagreement and pray for the individual to respond with repentance. If this is unproductive, we ask for godly assistance within the church. This is an area to guard against gossip or wrong motives.

We involve spiritually mature leaders who really care about the individual and situation. Then if there is deliberate refusal to deal with the unbiblical issues and repent, the church is to not coddle them or condone sinful patterns. The Bible tells the church to actually halt the individual's normal association in the church. This is where we have to be careful. Paul says to "treat them as you would a pagan or a tax collector." What does that look like in today's practical terms?

Keeping things in perspective, we need to let Scripture interpret Scripture. Directly after these instructions, Jesus teaches about the binding and loosing actions of the church as well as their united prayer. This is an important consideration to keep believers humbly dependent on God. Matthew 16:19 reminds us that it is not our church, but it is HIS church. We want to point people to how He wants to build the church and even mature all involved for His glory and our good. Prayer has to be a key factor, and we need to surround those struggling with sin by humility, love, prayer but also honesty and no compromises to God's Word. We need to let them know we still love them, but God is holy, and He wants us to be holy, He has good plans, and we are only messengers of His truth. Paul teaches ignored sin is like just a little yeast that impacts an entire batch of dough, see 1 Corinthians 5:6.

You are not doing anyone any favors by ignoring healthy and honest confrontation, but the Bible also cautions us. Galatians 6:1 reminds us that we are to restore in a spirit of gentleness and keep an awareness of our own hearts because we can also sin and fall into temptation. Many other verses are helpful, such as Luke 17:3-4, 1 Timothy 5:20, James 5:19-20, Ephesians 4:15, 1 Corinthians 5:12, 1 Timothy 4:2, 2 Timothy 2:24-26, Colossians 3:13. This is not an exhaustive list, and we can see the Lord had plenty to say on the matter.

Lastly, what if you are the one that has been confronted? It is not easy to handle criticism! First before responding, it is always good to go before the Lord. Spend time in the Bible to see if any part of the criticism is true. Is there something you need to humbly deal with in order to be right with God and others? This will require help from the Holy Spirit because all of us deal with pride. A biblical example is when David's godly friend Nathan explained things with a story to help him see sin in his life and a need for repentance. David did deal with it, and we have that example in Psalm 51. Maybe the criticism is hurtful but helpful. It takes courage to deal with hard issues, but our eyes must be on the bigger picture of magnifying God and pleasing Him. In today's culture we cannot even disagree respectfully. We don't listen to each other. Let's go to God's Word and keep humble, obedient hearts as we align ourselves with His will.